fast money

Last week I visited the great city of NY for one purpose and one purpose alone: to become a millionaire.

Since I've been home, I typically eat lunch in the company of the television. So around midday I flip to ABC to watch News at Noon, which directly precedes the ever popular Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? I'm just kidding, I don't think the daytime version of the show is that popular. In fact, the average audience members is probably between the ages of 50 and 85. A friend and I had been planning to audition for a while now, but since I was bored I decided to just go and do it.

It's funny because all of my run-ins with mass transit have resulted in me bolting from place to place due to unforeseen delays. Last week it was rainy and I was running about half an hour late, which was great because seating for the show is done first-come, first-serve.



Stupidly, I took the express train rather than the local train and ended up basically in Harlem (gah!), so I doubled back as quickly as possible to get back to the studio. When I finally arrived, all the tickets had already been distributed! I was given standby ticket #19 and if they could pack more people into the studio audience they would. So there I stood, alone, shivering in the rain while some middle aged people chain smoked or complained about how they too were given standby tickets.

Over the course of the next hour, a few standby people were let in. First one through ten. Then ten through 15, 16, 17, 18.

Curse them and their stopping at 18. I stood there against the wall with my hood up trying to look really pathetic so that the guards would take pity on me and let me into the studio. After all, I'd spent quite a bit of money on bus and subway fare. How pathetic would it be to turn back now?

But then, after another 15 minutes, they let me and the three people behind me in. We were the last people let in!

When we got in, the stadium-style seats were already packed. I squeezed in next to a couple who smelled like vanilla and who both had unrecognizable accents. A producer was cracking jokes with the audience before it got started. By this time I was pretty soggy and cold from standing in the rain for so long.

Anyway, the show was pretty neat, but it's a lot less exciting when you're there in person. Basically you sit in the audience and are told to act like a complete moron so that they can record a good applause/laugh track. You can barely hear what Meredith Veira and the contestant are saying, and once the contestant answers the question you start applauding and hollering no matter what the outcome because you might as well. Talk about herd mentality.

For the second show I was squished between an old man and an old lady with distinct odors. The space could not accommodate my broad shoulders. But I was closer to the hot seat, so maybe a flash of me might just show up on TV in October.

Following the show, I took the test to audition for millionaire, but sadly did not pass. In my defense, it was all trivia, and I just had to guess on a few. You couldn't get more than three wrong out of thirty, so maybe next time. I met some others who had taken the test before. Apparently, they knew people who had taken the test twenty times before passing or giving up. Well, I'm not that desperate to be on the show, so whatever.